I loved this person & she loved me.

She lit up every room she was in, every room that I was in. Gave gift bags to the lunch ladies eoy.

I was going to school for cs, she was for non-stem. We saw each other every day after we met. She knew me so well, she sent me Tim Minchin Storm our first week. She thought in all the right ways to be a programmer so I taught her RoR. She had doubts but I didn't, & she didn't need much help - just pointers in the right directions & help fixing rvm. I knew it would open the world to her but I wanted the world for her & I trusted her more than anything I ever had.

She cried at the smallest things, movies, a card I wrote, seeing dolphins. I tried to protect her, I told her the amber spyglass was too sad for her (it was for me).

After a few years she asked me to break up because she changed her mind about us having an open relationship which we'd both always wanted. I didn't argue or try to convince her because she asked me not to & because she really wanted kids young & I overheard her write I wasn't great with kids. So we broke up, it was hard for both of us, but I was going to be there for her if she didn't find the right person. We said we'd be best friends, family.

Which we were for a few more years, until she met someone she had a good feeling about. A data scientist she worked with. I begged her on the phone, she said we could still be friends, still hold my hand, she thought he'd be OK with that.

But I was still couldn't handle it, I'd never felt this before or imagined it properly. I wish she hadn't've been so far away. I didn't want him gone, I just needed her. I sent her a few emails pouring my heart out. She sent me a few too, trying to be kind, apologizing for being cruel, updating me on her life. I asked her not to email for a while. Covid hit. We visited after but she didn't love me anymore then. Both looking at the clock for different reasons. Bluntly told me she just liked him better to push me away.

I made the drawing game for her, invited her countless times, she's never played it. We've never made anything together other than the interview Q's I started her on all those years ago. "I'm sure your code is beautiful". "I'm a different person now". "You just liked me because of how I look, goto country meet nationality". She still hasn't read the amber spyglass because its too sad for her. This life is too sad for me but she's always eager to mention I just meds & my brain remagnetized "my stepdad's a neuroscientist". I just really need a hug from her sometimes.

I saw her again earlier this year for about an hour. I found the right words to ask her I guess & she wanted to tell me she just had a kid. It meant a lot to me but I still didn't get to see her really shine at me like she used to.

All I did was love her & try to follow my heart.
I hate how wrong this world can be. How someone who loved you more than anything can turn so different.
I hate knowing how much suffering is possible for a being to experience.
It's just part of life I guess.

"Tell them stories"